(Photo above from Google – Pinterest)
I am an active member on several infertility facebook pages and groups. Basically, it is a safe place to commiserate with other women (& sometimes men, depending on the group). It is especially helpful in cases like mine, where no one around me seems to understand. Not only do people not understand, they don’t know what to say about it…so they say nothing. Which feels worse than saying the wrong thing – because at least they’re trying.
One of the recent posts that gained a good bit of traction was a woman asking if anyone else was already purchasing baby items, despite their struggle. She stated that her husband did not understand, and he would get upset seeing the items. There were many responses; most women stated that they purchased a onesie, blanket, or small item here and there, but nothing too crazy. Some women stated that they had not purchased anything, and would not, because seeing it in their home, sitting unused, was just another reminder of the fact that they don’t have a baby. And then there were one or two women that went above and beyond, but of course I am not one to judge and I would never tell any women that she was wrong for doing it. One woman had purchased an entire set of nursery furniture, stating that she had done so because it was on sale. Another woman had an entire room in her home dedicated to her “stockpile”; she stated that everything she had stashed away had been purchased at extreme discount, using coupons and sales wherever possible. She had furniture, decor, activity gyms, strollers, diapers, creams, multiple boppys, etc. But hey, if that is how she is choosing to cope? All the more power to her.
I, myself, have a small stash of items, squirreled away in our spare bedroom, AKA what will hopefully one day be a nursery. I will admit that I did purchase more freely early on in this journey. I am little more hesitant these days. Mostly because some days, even walking past baby section in any given store is enough to bring tears to my eye. Some days, I am perfectly fine and can peruse through, looking at items without missing a beat. I have mostly small, inexpensive items; a cute onesie that I found on clearance, three small wooden baskets that I used at our wedding as a surprise Cigar Bar for my husband (perfect now for organizing small items), a little piece of artwork and a lamp that I found at an online swap & sell, etc. Before our wedding, which is when we officially started trying to conceive, I stumbled upon an adorable little upholstered rocking chair at Home Goods. I texted my (then) fiance, and he agreed that it was cute, and that I should go ahead and purchase it. He then went to New Orleans for his bachelor party, not realizing that he was going during a large art festival – and brought home a small hand-painted canvas to hang in the baby’s room. That fantastic, wonderful gesture has now sat in that empty room for fifteen months.
I still occasionally find something that I want to purchase, but I am much more hesitant now to pull that trigger. With every item, as I hold it and run it through my fingers, I wonder how long it will sit unworn, unused, unseen. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but one day. I know that one day, we will have a baby in our home. And I know that one day, that beautiful little human is going to use all of the wonderful things that have been purchased and loved and squirreled away, just for them.